Christmas Highlights

The real meaning of Christmas.

The best family picture we got.

The girls singing "Happy Birthday, Jesus" at the Christmas Eve service.

Craig loves the keyboard.

Sister love.

Happy Third Birthday, Natalie

Natalie turned three years old on Sunday the 19th. We made it Her Big Day. She's struggled with the thought of growing up and has been very content with acting like a baby. Believe me, she isn't a baby and has developmentally taken on all the roles of a three year old. From constantly asking "Why?" to her demanding demeanor when speaking to her parents, she views herself as being someone to be reckoned with. I call her my Miss Jackal/Dr. Hyde girl. When she's happy, everyone is happy, but when she is mad, everyone knows it. Sunday was the first day that I attempted going all out with potty training. We had a successful dry day!

We love Miss Natalie for every part of who God made her. That spunk that the nurses saw in the NICU when she was less than 24 hours old has helped to get her to where she is today. She has gone from speaking only a few words last year to speaking in sentences. She still has to work hard at getting the right sentence structure and skips some of her sounds in words, but for the most part is right up there with other kids her age. She did have a speech evaluation this fall and was found to be age appropriate. Physically, Natalie is at or ahead of her three years old. She loves to run, jump and climb. She will chase her sisters till she's panting like a dog. Natalie has also started to color and recognize her colors. I haven't been as proactive as I probably should be in teaching her colors and shapes, but she's getting there. She does get in trouble when she starts to color on her sister's works of art...and then that mischievous little grin lights up her face.

Natalie's oxygen saturation's are all over the place. At her last cardiology visit, the first one they took was 68% and then at the end of the visit they were getting 86%. Sometimes those crazy pulse-ox's frustrate me and I could just throw them out the window. We don't have one at home for that very reason. I watch her color, breathlessness and fatigue level and go from there. I notice that she's the blue-est after she eats, when she's at a high activity level and after her bath. This winter she turned pretty purple when we were outside sledding on a fairly cold day (10F). These days it's been -30F to -40F so we've all stayed inside.

I have to do a lot of layering to keep Natalie warm. We keep our house around 70F inside, but her hands and feet don't stay warm very well. I was told by the cardiologist that this is just the way it's going to be with her. I can see her moving to a much warmer climate someday when she has a choice.Natalie has almost made it to 27 pounds.

She weighed in at 26# 10 oz. and was 36 inches tall. That puts her at the 25th percentile for height and 14th percentile for weight. Why do we watch her weight so much? Well, the next surgery that she has, the Fontan, is based on size. The surgeons would like her to be at least 33 pounds/15 kilograms before her next surgery. At the rate she's been going, it will be at least a year, probably more before she'll get that big. While it would be nice to not have another heart surgery hanging over our head, I don't relish the thought of taking my healthy girl down to Seattle for another surgery. But that's enough talk about surgery.

Natalie eats well, takes her medicine by herself and won't let me forget to give her her vitamin. She is still taking Enalapril and half a baby aspirin once a day. Thankfully I don't have to give her Synagis this winter.

As I think back on these past three years, I am amazed at the miracles that God has showed us through Natalie. We are thankful for friends who have prayed and are still praying for Natalie and our family. I'm always grateful when anyone asks how Natalie is doing. Walking this road, knowing that your child's heart has to work so much harder to make her go, can be a hard one.

Thank You for the Bad Things

My girls learned a cute little song with a catchy tune recently.
"Thank You for the good things,
Thank You for the good things,
Thank you, Lord, for all the good things.
Thank you for the hugs and kisses,
Thank you for the stars and wishes..."
It goes on thanking God for all the good things that He gives to us.

My nephew was being silly and started singing,
"Thank You for the bad things,
Thank You for the bad things..."

It got me thinking.

There have been times in my life that I've endured some bad things-from being betrayed by a close friend when I was 12 to experiencing the death of my first boyfriend when I was 16 to becoming a mother of a child with continual health needs. Compared to some, I haven't experienced many bad things, but they sure have rocked my little world.

It seems that while I'm going through a "bad thing" it is really hard to thank the Lord for it. No matter how hard I tried, I did NOT want to thank the Lord for giving my daughter a heart defect that would follow her the rest of her life. I did not want to thank God for taking away my special friend. And why would you thank God for giving you a "friend" that would betray you?

I guess I have always equated thankfulness with an emotion. You know, the ooey, gooey kind that wells up within you and then spills out because you just feel so grateful for being able to experience the goodness bestowed upon you by someone else. Then you say, "Thank you soooo much!"

But God uses thankfulness in the command category instead of the optional one-"In everything give thanks." (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

But how? How can we thank God for the bad things?

I'm not really sure how it happens, other than we must rely on the character of God. "When we place our trust in God's faithfulness-when we consciously and willingly put our full confidence in Him-we will enjoy personal security and inner peace unlike anything the world can provide. Despite our raw emotions and regardless of what the surrounding circumstances may seem to tell us, our trust can rest in the fact that God is faithful. And if that is true, what can rock us? We stand confident, peaceful, secure." (quote from Myrna Alexander)

So, in the bad things I will be thankful that my Father in Heaven stands by me and that He will be faithful to me-even if I never know the purpose of going through a bad thing, even if I never see a good thing come from the bad things. God is faithful. God is good. God does love me. For that I can be thankful.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefor I will wait for him.'" (Lamentations 3:21-24)

Happy Birthday

One year ago today we welcomed a little bundle of testosterone into our predominantly estrogen filled home. Our first son and fourth child, Craig, has turned out to be ALL boy and yet such a joy!

Through the hitting, hair-pulling, growling, and drooling, he's the first one to go running to see his big sisters when the get home from school.

He perches on his biggest sister's hip like a pro and wrestles with Jessie until we say, "No!"

He's played with lots of pink but that doesn't make us think that he's NOT all BOY.

A major league pitcher he'll be, this we know, because of his increasing desire to throw. Balls, food, toys...there's no discrimination to his ever growing imagination.

He's had many bumps, as you can see from his head. But that just makes him tougher, just like his Dad.

The doctor may say that he is too small,

but that doesn't keep him from climbing to feel so tall!

He's made mom vaccum the floor over and over

because of his love to dig and discover. (In the plants.)

So little bundle of blue,

please know that our hearts LOVE You!

Happy first birthday, Craig.

Disclaimer: (A very rough attempt at poetry...which was never my thing.)

I Wonder...

(Natalie at one year old)

Natalie's latest:

Me- "Natalie, come here so you can take your medicine."

Natalie- "No."

Me- "Natalie, you need to take your medicine."

Natalie- "Why?"

Me- "Because it will help you stay healthy."

Natalie- "Why, mommy?"

Me- "Natalie, you need to take it for your heart."

Natalie- "Why? Heart broke?"

It made me ponder what she really comprehends. We don't talk a lot about her imperfect heart. She has watched her picture DVD hundreds of times so knows about all those tubes and bandages she experienced. But I really wonder. Does she realize that she breathes heavy when she comes up the stairs? Does she know that other children her age don't get tired after walking 50 yards? Does she comprehend the fact that her heart is "broke?" I wonder...

Fallin' into Winter

Can't you tell she's having fun playing in Aunt Mindy's leaves. Last weekend, we left winter at our house (were the ground was already freezing) and managed to get a little more of Fall while we were in Anchorage.

We don't have any deciduous trees around our property so my kids haven't gotten the privilege of raking leaves and running and jumping in the piles. I remember having piles of leaves almost five feet tall when I was growing up in the Midwest. I would make mazes in the mounds of maple and oak leaves. Our little aspen and birch leaves don't create the same affect.

This is a happy man. He had his nap and was outside playing in the warm sun. He wasn't so crazy about the leaves but enjoyed crawling over to the slide.

Little man is on the count-down to his first birthday. He's just started being brave and taking three and four steps at a time. It's not a regular thing yet, but he's getting there.

Can't you just see the mischief in that smile! It's all him! He is one ornery kid. From hitting and pulling hair to throwing food and climbing onto the rocking chair and standing with no hands. He's the little terror that will keep his big sisters on their toes.

(Sorry Jess, I ran out of space to get a picture of you in here. I'll have to find a good one.)

I'm one of those...

I can't believe I did it. I yelled and screamed like one of those crazy parents that I had always laughed at during Heidi's first Little Dribbler's basketball scrimmage today. I was even trying to coach her from the bleachers! Oh it was so hard to sit there and watch. It may be my competative nature...or maybe my maternal instinct to keep my daughter from experiencing the feeling of defeat. Whatever it was, I got excited. I have to say that my other half did also. Bless his heart, it's just so hard for Tim to sit there and watch any sport if it's not being performed to the peak potential.

Heidi put forth a lot of effort and energy during her first game. She figured out how to guard "one-on-one" and stuck to her man very well. But occasionally she would get hit in the back with the ball because she was paying more attention to her man than where the basketball was. Heidi is not a selfish player and had some good passes, but unfortunately her team was unable to score. The other team scored twice. But I have to say that Heidi's team was composed mostly of girls and the other team had some pretty good boys on it.

Of course, I forgot the camera. Must have had something to do with trying to get all six of us out the door to get her there on time. There is another game next week. We'll see if the parents can handle themselves any better because I'm sure Heidi will do great!

Snow

It's been snowing all day...even before I got up. Hasn't given up yet. We've gotten a couple of inches by now. Natalie's first comment when she realized that we had snow, "Yeah! Egg Hunt, Mommy!" Ugh! Only in Alaska does snow trigger reminders of Easter Egg Hunting. So I proclaimed that today was the first day of Rock Hunting (as they are covered in snow now). Maybe more appropriately we should be hunting for the garden hoses that haven't made it into the garage yet.

Return to Reality

It can be so nice to live in a land of fantasy. Cinderella, Snow White, Goldilocks, fantasy football and the list goes on. Even though we don't believe in our hearts that life is "happily ever after," it has been nice to enjoy these past couple of years with Natalie being relatively free of concerns for her heart. She's been an overly energetic little girl with an attitude. She loves to tease yet can be tormented to tears by her older sisters. She's loving life and wanting to try everything.

But...she seems to be slowing down. I notice that she's wearing out a lot easier with activity. She'll be running around the house or in the yard and come over and ask to be held. "I tired," she'll say. I can feel her little half-a-heart beating rapidly through her chest and hear her panting breaths trying to get her body caught up on it's demand of oxygen. My heart aches for her as I see how hard she tries to keep up with those around her. Her will is willing, but her body ain't!

We had a regularly scheduled cardiologist visit this past week. Since Natalie's in a pretty fearful stage of her life right now, I tried to prep her about them listening to her heart and looking at it with pictures. Her appointment was in one of the satellite clinics (not Anchorage) so we were in a whole new office too. She did quite well emotionally.

She weighed in at 26.6 pounds so we will still be waiting awhile before the surgeons will be willing to do the Fontan procedure on her. Her sats started out at 72% and climbed to 77% after a couple of minutes. This was just after her walking into the clinic, not even running. So I know that when she is overly exerting herself she must be getting down there. No wonder she's getting tired.

Dr. Brauner did an echo this time. It had been a year since she had an echo down in Seattle. Overall her heart function looked good. He wasn't able to see the pulmonary arteries that carry blood to the lungs. They're really hard to see because of scar tissue. These can sometimes become narrowed where they surgically attach the SVC during the Glenn procedure thus reducing the blood flow to the lungs. While we know that the bigger that she gets, the more she will self-limit her activity, we may need to see if there can be some options to help improve her oxygen saturations if they continue to drop to the low 70's or high 60's before she's big enough for the Fontan procedure. (Click on Fontan to learn more, Mom) So, if Natalie's sats start to hang in the low 70s to upper 60's when she is resting, we'll be heading back down to Seattle for a heart cath to see if she can get tuned up.

Dr. Brauner turned Dora the Explorer on the little DVD player that he had while he was doing the echo. Natalie held really still until Dora started singing. Then her feet started to wiggle, then her hips. The wiggle kept working it's way up. She was trying to be still, but just couldn't. Dr. B. is a very understanding man and was impressed with how well she stayed put despite her interaction with the music.

The reality of her heart defect and it's impact on her life just hits me sometimes. I hate it when I see her get so worn out from her play. She has so much spunk that I wonder how she will handle not being able to physically keep up with other kids her age as she gets older. I know that what has been surgically done to her heart is just palliative. It's not a "fix." I pray that she will live a long and happy life with her own heart, but in reality most literature and cardiologists always bring up eventual heart transplant for a single ventricle person.

On a lighter note, Natalie has now moved back into her brothers room. The side-rail on her crib is off so she's learning to stay in bed like a big girl. It works well at night, but only because she hasn't had a nap the past couple of days (because she didn't stay in bed).

Her vocabulary has blossomed to the point that she is speaking in sentences now. Sometimes she gets the sentence structure mixed up, but is doing better. She still speaks jargon a lot when she is playing, but at least she has started to speak words to us and communication is going a lot better.

Natalie loves to dance to music. If you've ever seen the PBS show about Wilbur the cow, she has the same kind of wiggle when she listens to music as Wilbur does. It's so cute. It makes me laugh every time I see her do it. She can work our keyboard quite well and one of the songs sounds like a horse race. She loves to race around the living room when that song is playing. Of course, when she gets tired she runs over to me and asks me to pick her up...then I have to run the race holding her! We make a lot of memories running and dancing our way around the seclusion of our own home, just Natalie and me. I will treasure these times in my heart!

There are other things that I know I'm not thinking about tonight that I had wanted to post about her. Guess it will have to wait.

The First Day of School

School started for us on August 24th. Grandpa and Grandma were here to see the girls off. I think my mom, who is a 5-6 grade teacher, was more excited about the girls going to school than they were. It was a fun experience for us all.


My babies are growing up so much. Jessica started kindergarten this year. She's just a little bit of a thing...her backpack is bigger than she is. But, where she lacks height, she makes up for in spunk.

Jess has come home with all sorts of reports of what happens at school from who can't catch her on the playground to who had their frog hop that day (Inappropriate behavior makes your frog hop. If it gets to certain points, other consequences are enforced.) It didn't take a week before Jessie came home and announced in a matter-of-fact tone, "Well Mom, my frog hopped today." Even with all sorts of quizzing Jess just didn't know why her frog had hopped. I'm sure that her over-active social skills contributed to her frogs activity! So far she's learned the letter L and her teacher reported that she's doing wonderfully.

Heidi is a big second grader this year. She's so grown up in so many ways. She wants to do her own hair now and is very independent. Heidi is quite the little mommy and I miss her babysitting skills now that she's at school all day.

Having the older two at school all day has brought some different dynamics to our home. Natalie has been enjoying playing alone. Her stress level has dropped significantly now that her other two "mothers" have left. She's talking up a storm and is coming up with new words every day. "WHY?" is her favorite word now. I get sooo tired of hearing "whyyyy, mom?" in a whiny tone of voice. The fun part about the change in family dynamics is seeing Natalie get excited to see Heidi and Jess come home and the older two girls joy at seeing her excited to see them. It's just good all the way around. So even though another year of school brings change, change can be good and help us all.

Where do I start!? This summer has flown by and there is so much to tell. Since I get blog posts started and then don't finish them, I'm going to have to pare down my dissemination of information.

Craig is nine months old and is growing up so much. He got his first two bottom teeth the end of June. After those popped through, he decided that he enjoyed eating table food a lot better. Now we're feeding him all day long. He still enjoys nursing but solid foods are continuing to rank at the top of his "food chain." He's got another tooth working its way down from the top so I keep telling myself that I need to keep taking those gummy pictures before they are gone.

When my parents were here, Craig learned to wave. I don't remember my girls waving so readily as my boy. He just smiles and does the whole arm wave.

I really want to get a picture of my "Mini-Mozart" as he plays the keyboard. Craig has a love affair with the keyboard that is temporarily at his level. He looks like a Mini-Mozart standing there banging on the keys. He has even figured out how to get results pushing the buttons on the top to change the automated songs then he dances his little jig when the music is playing. I love it!

This little boy has got some determination and has started crawling. He started his hand and knee movements the beginning of August just as Grandpa and Grandma arrived. Now he's all over the house and is into everything. He's pulled the bar stools over on top of him. He's gotten into the dirt in my plants. He's even made it under the truck. I put him down in the grass one day and found him a minute later checking out the stones in the driveway under the truck! There's no lack of curiosity with this boy.




He's standing by himself for short times and walking around objects. (As I'm writing this, Heidi yelled, "Mom, Craig's walking!" He was walking across the room behind a push-toy.) I'm giving him a month before he's walking. It maybe sooner with all the practice Heidi and Jess are giving him by walking him all over the house.

My baby is growing up fast and he's loving every minute of it!

Quick Post

Here are a few pictures from today. I haven't taken much time to get on here this summer but have some good ones. Will try to update with some more meaty details of family life later.

Craig and my mom. My parents have been visiting in the month of August.

Craig riding the binoculars like a bucking bronco at Worthington Glacier near Valdez, AK.

Heidi, cousin Caleb, Jessie, Natalie with the glacier in the background.

Nine and Counting

Six months later, I'm posting this. Oops...started something and it didn't get completed. I wanted to write more, but summer is just too busy. So here it is. Lucky me and my man!


Wow, things do change in nine years. Our nine year anniversary rolled around last week. My husband reminded me the day before! Can you believe it? How could I forget? I was a little preoccupied with preparing to sing at a funeral. You know you're bogged down in family life when you pay a baby-sitter so your date can constitute going to a funeral. A good family friend from our church passed away and I was asked to sing. So we got dressed up and went hand-in-hand to the funeral. I almost felt guilty being so excited to be going out (to a funeral), without the kids, and with my husband.
A lot has happened in our nine years together.

Pokey Beh-ah

Happy Independence Day! Today was cloudy and gray. We had rain this morning all the way up to parade time. We usually have an hour parade...even out in the middle of "nowhere." The only road that runs through our town is closed off for an hour. I'm sure there are some really irritated RV drivers.

The girls were so excited to get out of church and go to the parade. It didn't take Natalie long to figure out how to pick up candy. Our parade consists of the usual fire trucks and police cars. Most of the other floats or entries come from local businesses.

The Division of Forestry always brings Smokey the Bear. Natalie spotted him a long way off and came running for me to pick her up. She buried her head in my shoulder and started shaking. I walked off the road a ways so she wasn't close when Smokey passed by. When we were far enough away, she was able to turn around and get a look. Later during dinner, Natalie kept talking about Pokey Beh-ah. I didn't get it until she shook her head, then said "like Pokey Beh-ah." She didn't like Smokey the Bear. She told me that he had shoes, a hat and pants on. After that, everything was "Pokey" this or "Pokey" that. He definately made an impression. I sure hope she doesn't wake up with nightmares tonight.

Later tonight we tried to watch the fireworks on TV. We called the girls in and tried to get them excited about them, but they just didn't get it. They have asked why we don't do fireworks on the fourth of July. With having light practically all night, there's no way that we would be able to see the fireworks even if we didn't get to do them. Many people up here do them for New Years (if they can afford them). That time of year we could see them at 4pm if we chose. (This is the land of the extremes.)

I do enjoy thinking back of our nation's birthday and it's beginning, the courageous forefathers that brought up our country and all that our "young" country has been through. I also think of the "rise and fall" of nations. "America, America, God shed his grace on thee." We sure do need it.

A New Baby!

Look who's getting all the attention! Grandpa's horse, Lady, had a baby last night. The girls were so excited and couldn't stop asking how big the baby horse would be. Tonight we went down to see the little filly. They were enthralled. Jessie couldn't keep her hands off of her. Natalie was so eager to get a touch of the soft foal. The girls played with her so long they wore her out. It was adorable.

Perpetual Ring-Around-The-Tub Season

The girls love to play with their brother so I just had to add this cute picture.

Oh, the mud! We haven't had any rain to speak of since the snow melted in April, but that hasn't kept the girls from creating their own mud. Natalie has figured out how to turn on the outdoor water spicket.

We have a bare dirt spot out back that the girls have taken opportunity to make their mud pies in. I've seen them out there sifting the dirt through wicker baskets, pouring water on the dust to make mud and planting "picked flower gardens." Yes, they pick the wildflowers and then plant them in the dirt to make their own garden. The flowers don't last very long, but then it doesn't take the girls long to move onto something else anyway.

Tim's latest project is building a treehouse for the kids...or, maybe a treestand for hunting bear down our hill. The girls are really excited for the finished product. It's being built on top of the steep hill at the edge of the property. I've climbed the ladder to hold board for screwing and it's really up there. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed that Tim wouldn't fall as he's climbing up there and balancing on those boards. I'll show more on the progress.

I couldn't finish without a "Jessieism." Anyone know what a "hunting-house" is? Jess was telling the story of going hunting with her dad last Fall and said, "And, we got to stay in a 'hunting-house'." (Motorhome!)

Heidi and Jess were watching a program about dinosaurs today on TV. Natalie must have seen something that scared her and she came into the room I was in and said, "Roar, Roar. Jessie, Heidi...no! Roar, Roar...off!" So I went in and told the older girls to turn the TV off. Then Natalie came back and pointed to the TV and said, "Ball gamie on...ball gamie, eh?" Can you tell what she thinks is a safe thing to watch? A girl after her daddy's heart

Happy Half-Birthday

We've been blessed with a half a year with our little guy. I started this post on his half-birthday, but am just now completing it.

Craig had his six month appointment and weighed in at a "whoppin'" 13#, 9 oz. (Not even on the charts.) He was 25-1/2 inches long. The doctor came in and said, "Wow, you have a lite-weight here!" What can I say, this boy is made from the same mold as his sisters. He eats, sleeps and is happy, but guess he needs a little more. So we've started to convince him that eating from a spoon can be just as yummy as eating from mommy. Craig hasn't really figured out that you open your mouth wide when you want a bite. He sticks his neck out and gives us a little crack in his mouth to put the food into. He looks like a turtle. It didn't take long for Craig to figure out that doing the raspberries with food in your mouth gets a good reaction from onlookers. So far he's tried mixed grain cereal and bananas. Of course, bananas go down better. (As I finish this, our little guy has developed a good appetite for spoon-feeding and is opening his mouth well. He's had cereal, bananas, and sweet potatoes-which produced a funny face. Of course Dad had to put in his two cents worth about his feelings about sweet potatoes.)

Our boy is sitting up now. He looks so grown up. Craig has gotten his first sit in the grass...and he wasn't impressed when he fell over backwards. He's been initiated to Alaskan life by getting his first mosquito bites. It's inevitable, but doesn't seem to bother little ones until they're about two. (Natalie scratches like crazy.) He has fun playing in the grass as long as the sun isn't in his eyes and he doesn't get too hot. Yes, we've hit 80 degrees here. Seems like we went from winter to summer...fast.

I've caught our little man leaning over from sitting and staying on his hands and knees for a little bit as he stretches for a toy. Eventually he's on his tummy, swimming like a champ. So far, Craig hasn't done a lot of rolling. He likes sleeping on his side or his back. He can roll over, but just doesn't feel the need right now, I guess.

Craig's found his lungs and love to screech. Between Natalie and him, I should have ringing in my ears.

Our fourth little blessing is so happy and healthy, how can we keep from thanking God for the past six months.

Sincerely Yours, Mom

Eleven years ago this month I came to Alaska completely and totally single and uninhibited. Little did I know that God had big plans for the next eleven years. I would have never dreamed that I would be married with four beautiful children this year. God is so good.

I remember becoming a mother for the first time. Heidi was born in March and I learned that as a mother I had such strong emotion envelope and control me. I totally felt like a mother bear when I left that hospital with my new little "cub." No one and nothing was going to get between me and my precious offspring! I'm a pretty even keeled person...usually and experiencing this type of emotion was new and strange to me. I never thought I could love another as much as my little Heidi.

When I found out I was pregnant with Jessica, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to love her as much as my flamboyant Heidi. It just didn't seem possible to share all those emotions with two. But then my little butterball of joy showed up. She was such a snuggler and we soon grew to love each other just as much. Those maternal instincts showed up once again. Heidi was two and she pressed the limits like any two-year-old. I remember feeling as though I could take my firstborn out of this world as she did some of those crazy two-year-old things (like putting Cheerios in a two week old's mouth, tying a jump rope around her neck and others I can't remember). I couldn't believe that this love-hate feeling could exist. What kind of a mother was I?

My third pregnancy lasted only for twelve short weeks. I was surprised at how quickly my joy of being pregnant could end in strong grief of losing that child.

It wasn't long after that miscarriage that I was expecting our little Natalie. In my previous pregnancies, we had chosen to not find out the sex of our children. We like the element of surprise but this time opted to take a peek into our baby's gender. When they told us we were having another girl during our 19 week ultrasound, I can't deny that I was disappointed. I longed to have a boy. I thought my husband deserved a boy. I had brothers and liked boys. But I had two girls and was beginning to get in touch with my feminine side so what was one more girl. Plus we had all the girl things anyway, right?!

Natalie arrived and our lives were sent into a flurry of emotion. As we found out Natalie's grave condition, I was torn seeing her leave for Seattle without having time to bond with her. I felt guilty not having bonded with her more when she was in utero. I was consumed with my older two girls and hadn't really spent the time to imagine and dream about Natalie as much. Maybe it had something to do with my irritation of having another girl. Regardless, my love for her grew as I prepared to leave Heidi and Jessica and be reunited with her at a week old. Those weeks of separation turned into months and I was longing to fill my arms with the love of my older two girls. I wasn't able to satisfy this longing with little Natalie as she lay intubated in the cardiac ICU. It was very different to go from a busy mom of two preschoolers to not having anything occupy my arms. I was so used to carrying diaper bags and carrying children. I found myself carrying around a backpack of items that I thought I'd use as I waited the hours in the ICU for Natalie to get better. Usually the backpack was never unloaded as I just stared at the sweet eyes of my daughter.

Six weeks after Natalie was born, I could take it no longer and flew back to Alaska to see my family. I felt like I had an "Alaskan family" and a "Seattle family." The two didn't mesh. They hadn't met and so the resolution of my turmoil continued. On my trip, I told Tim that I felt as though we could drive back to Glennallen and I could probably go on with life and never even know that I was pregnant if I hadn't been pumping breast milk for Natalie. I just longed to have the comfortableness of our family back together again.

Those dreams were realized two months later when we were finally able to bring Natalie home for the first time. I was on cloud nine. I didn't care how much work it was to give her all of her medications, deal with pumping and fortifying her milk, teach her how to use a bottle and then feed the rest of what she didn't eat into her g-tube, set up physical therapy appointments and take her to doctor's appointments. My baby was home and we were a family. We didn't know what the future would hold, but for the moment we were family.

As our home life became more "normal" and Natalie began to get caught up to her age level expectations, I was able to enjoy the rest of my family more. Heidi started kindergarten and was growing up into such a little lady. Natalie turned one year old and her health was no longer at the complete for-front of my mind. It seemed like we could take a little breath as a family and think of the future.

Tim and I started dreaming and the baby bug bit again. I didn't want to have just three girls. I knew one would always be left out. Since we'd already had three girls, I figured I was destined to have girls and was ready for another one. As we conceived another child, we just prayed for a healthy child, but above all prayed for God's grace to raise whatever child he chose to give us. God had brought me past the fear of having a child with a disability. He had showed himself faithful in every circumstance to meet my needs and the needs of my family.

So when He chose to give us a boy for our fourth living child, our total surprise turned to amazement at our Heavenly Father's ways. He knew my hearts desire. He took me through places that were dark and grim-places that I thought I'd never be able to handle. He took me there to show me that He wanted me to let Him walk this road with me. I've heard often that God's ways (plans) are higher than my ways. In my heart I may make a plan, but it's God who directs my path.

Every time I look down at the sweet little face of my son, I realize that God's goodness is so overflowing. He's not done showing me the extent of His goodness either. He has given me the opportunity to love, protect and guide these four beautiful children. Right now my life is filled with settling arguements, changing diapers, producing bandaids for hangnails, placing pigtails in the right spot, laundering clothes and hoping they stay folded by the time they get to the drawers, cooking mostly nutritious meals only to hear that they don't meet expectations, trying to remember to take Heidi to her piano lessons and asking that their clothes be picked up FOR THE LAST TIME, only to find Natalie has just emptied all of Craig's clothes out of his drawer. The list goes on. When I think I just can't take any more, I need to remember to take His hand for He is walking with me...on this journey called life...the life of a mother. I love it!

Dual Diapering Diva

My husband has always wanted to have twins. His dad is a twin and for some reason it is appealing to him. I'm thankful that God decided to give us just one at a time. I'm not sure I could handle twins at this stage of the game. Dual diapering now is keeping me busy and keeping us in the poorhouse. Natalie isn't quite to the point that I want to try potty training yet. She is a wonderful help getting diapers and wipes. She even tries to help change the baby's diaper sometimes. But in reality she doesn't communicate well enough or have the desire to sit down on the potty long enough to give it a go. So for now, I guess I'm the Dual Diapering Diva.

She's Just Amazing

Natalie never ceases to amaze me. We made a round trip to Anchorage yesterday for doctor's appointments and managed to squeeze a cardiology appointment in for Natalie. We were up and leaving the house at 5 AM and saw the beautiful sunrise in our rearview mirror.

I am just convinced that Dr. B. must have oxygen or nitric oxide pumped into his office through the venting system. Natalie's oxygen sats were 82%! What?! And of course she was very pink and happy. Her pulse was 100 and BP was 90/40. (Most of you could care less, but some of the details are just my journaling.) We talked about Natalie's recent illness and came to the conclusion that her sats were probably low because of the infection. Of course with a pulse of 150, her little half-a-heart was using up a lot of O's.

Natalie did have blood drawn to check her hemaglobin levels. The best that I can explain it is that with blue-blood kids, they have to make a lot of extra red blood cells to compensate for the mixed blood physiology. If her little body wasn't getting enough iron or wasn't able to compensate for the increased amount of red blood cells that it had to make, it would make a lot of immature red blood cells. They are small and will easily stick together, not being able to pick up as much oxygen. If the body is not having to make them too quickly and has the iron to make them, they have enough time to grow nice and big-able to carry lots of oxygen. They also aren't as sticky. So, we went down to the lab to get blood drawn.

Natalie has gotten her Synagis shots every month, but this was a little different. I don't sugar coat anything with her and tell her when an "owie" is coming. We walked into the lab and looked at all the pretty pictures of flowers. I sat in the chair with her on my lap. When she saw the white-coated lady getting out the tournaquette, I could see her little brain start turning. I told her that she was going to get a little owie. She looked again at the lady and buried her little curley head in my chest. It was a soft cry because she knew what was coming. I held her tight and put her arm out to let the lady get the blood. The cries got louder, but she didn't fight it or throw a fit. She did so good. I was so proud of her.

It doesn't get any easier for her mommy. I always wonder what's going through her head now that she understands more. She always knows what produces the "owies" and knows that they are for her. It's as though she accepts them as being part of her life. When her Synagis supplies would arrive, she knew exactly what was in the Fed-ex box. After her shots, she always wanted to look at the needles and syringes. I've caught her up on the counter picking up her used syringes to check them out. In fact, she started calling the syringes that I use to measure out her liquid enalapril "owies." I had to explain that they wouldn't give her owies-they didn't have the needles.

Natalie's latest interest has been the DVD's that have been made about her time in the hospital and her first year. She is constantly asking me to watch "Happy Baby" as she calls them. One DVD has a short clip of her at three months old after she had been brought back to the Ronald McDonald House the first time. She has the biggest smile on her face with the NG tube coming out of her nose. She doesn't make much noise but acts like she is mouthing sounds. (I don't think she had found her voice yet.) Her eyes are wide and sparkling. (Still on Ativan.) Yes, it brings back many memories and emotions for me. Natalie loves to watch them over and over. All the pictures are there-the sad ones with all the tubes-and the happy ones with her first smiles and accomplishments. She loves them all. Natalie's world revolves around Natalie! What more can I say, she is TWO.

(I got a call today that the lab tests showed nice big red blood cells!)

Scarlatina/Scarlet Fever

While I was single parenting it when Tim was in Canada for a week, Natalie decided to come down with Scarlatina. She had experienced a fever ten days earlier, but I didn't get the correlation until later. She had been waking up crying in the middle of the night, but wouldn't ever tell me what was going on. Her volcabulary is still limited so there are many times that she has to show me what she is talking about or just point. Two different nights, I gave her ibuprofen and then she slept through the rest of the night. I knew that she didn't feel very good, but couldn't put my finger on the problem. I was getting worried when she said her legs were "heavy" when she was walking up the stairs.

(The flash really washed out the red effect of the rash. It looked a lot worse in person.)

Sunday she started having a moderate fever (over 101F) and came down with a rash on her arms and torso. The little red-raised bumps were pin-like. I figured they would go away like any other viral rash that kiddos get at this age. But Natalie started complaining about her hands and her belly hurting her. Her heart rate was in the 150's -160's and her respirations were around 60 per minute. She was looking bluer than her norm. She just wasn't herself. So I got a friend to watch the other three kids and took Natalie to the urgent care center our in town.

The doctor thought it looked like Scarlatina even though Natalie's throat didn't look like the typical strep throat. Scarletina is caused by the group A beta-hemolytic streptococcus bacteria. This was conciderably worrisome to me because this bacteria can settle in heart valves and cause serious problems-not something that we need to be dealing with.

So we left urgent care Sunday night with some Augmentin and started the first dose.

Her rash progressively got worse-which I expected. Poor girl had what looked like a terrible case of eczema all over her arms and legs. The rash left her torso and settled into her hands and feet by Tuesday. It was dark red and felt like sandpaper. She itched really bad. I treated that mostly with topical hydrocortisone and Benadryl.

Thursday, Natalie woke up with hives all over her face and the left side of her body. Talk about itching...she was just a trooper and didn't complain, but I could see her constantly scratching her arms and legs. Back to the clinic we went and her Augmentin was changed to Azithromycin. That one did the trick and now she is back to her normal active self. (She's getting into everything and irritating her sisters.)

During our trip to the clinic, we found out that Natalie's pulse ox was down to 72-73%. It had been awhile since I had taken her pulse ox and was a little surprised that it was so low. That would explain why she's been huffing and puffing more lately when she does anything strenuous. It's time for a cardiologist visit so we'll see what the next step is then.

Growing Boy's Point of View

Hi! I'm five months old now. My sister, Jessica, thought I needed a flower in my swing with me since it was Spring. I enjoy swinging. Daddy likes putting me in my swing to make me take my nap. I also have my blue bear blanket with me in this picture. His ears are getting a little worn from all my chewing. Mommy keeps looking in my mouth. She says something about looking for teeth...don't know about those, but the chewing sure feels good.

Someday I'll grow into Daddy's hat.

Mommy says she'll get me my own hat this summer so I don't get my ears sunburned. All my thick and long hair has been rubbed off, plus Mommy gave me a trim around the ears. My hair is pretty short now. It's so blonde that you can hardly see it.

I can't believe Momma had to put this picture in here. Sometimes it makes me so mad when I have to be on the floor doing my push-ups. I've gotten a lot better at it though and actually have enjoyed playing on my tummy.

Here's a picture of my wake-up play-partner. I've decided that 7 AM is the ideal time to get started with my day. Jessie is usually up early too and comes in and plays with me in the morning while mommy is taking a shower. I'm a happy waker-upper and welcome the play time. Mommy likes having me diverted awhile too. She says, "That's what siblings are for."

I've started sitting up a little at a time now. I'm still wobbly and need help, but I like the change of view.

I like to sit at the table with my family when they are eating. Being left in my swing or playing on the floor is not my idea of togetherness. I've got a lot to learn about living and don't like to be left out.

Mommy says that I'm getting bigger, but she hasn't weighed and measured me lately. Maybe she'll have some stats soon.

"This girl loves horses!" was the saying on a T-shirt that Heidi got for her birthday. She loves to ride and is getting confident the more she does it. Tim took Heidi and Jess to his dad's house where we have one of our horses. The other one is with a friend. Unfortunately our horses don't get rode much since they are 40 miles away from us.

Craig is four months old now and he's such a sweet, snuggly boy. I'm soaking up all of his snuggles, because I'm sure there will be a day when dad takes priority. He's rolling over from his tummy to his back and rolls from his back to his side. We've had relatives visiting recently and his uncle has been able to get Craig giggling so hard that he gets hiccups.

This was the barnyard birthday cake that I made for Heidi's birthday. I found the recipe on the Family Fun website. It was fun to make and wasn't as hard as some of this other ones I've done. She had chickens, horses and cows in her barnyard. Happy 7th birthday, Heidi!

It's hard to believe that my oldest baby is seven. A lot has happened in the last seven years. I remember bringing home our little bundle of joy with my parents and my brother and his family. The wind was blowing 90 miles an hour (which is unusual for our part of AK). The sun was shining but you couldn't see it because of all the dust kicked up from the wind. The snow we did have, melted before I went into Anchorage to deliver and we had lots of ice.

Even though we had unmet expectations of the delivery for our first one, Tim and I were proud parents. It was so fun to see the new Daddy with his daughter.

Since then, we have added a few more and what began as a cozy threesome, has expanded into handful of noise.

Heidi loves to draw and now has started to compose short story books. Her latest...

The Girl and The Dad

by Heidi Hand

(Written as it was written by Heidi. The story was fully illustrated, but I don't have the pictures scanned yet.)

The dad liked the girl wen she was born.

The dad was so happy he took her to playses.

Soon the dad had another baby and that was Jessie.

And the girl felt left out.

Soon the girl andstood that she was a big sister.

Life as the oldest is rough. Hopefully she will find the enjoyment in being an older sister.